It's officially exam week.
I'm supposed to be studying statistics but instead, I'm here- writing a diary entry at 2 am because I literally cannot stop myself from procrastinating.
You know, I'd thought I'd gotten better at controlling it. But at this point I can't even call it procrastinating I'm just straight up jeopardizing my future.
Exams and their scores really matter here. Your job placement in the future kinda depend on it. I'd told myself that I would improve my CGPA this semester but obviously I was fucking lying to myself because wtf self what are you doing. It seems worse when people on the internet are doing so well. Atleast, that's what they piut out there. There's so much competition in the world and there will always be someone better than you. Sometimes I just wanna give up. It's too hard and I will never be enough. Maybe my life will amount to nothing at the end of it all. I feel like I'll never be someone who leaves their mark behind. Maybe I will just be another one of the countless humans who are simply born to waste Mother Earth's resources.
I like to think that I am better than the countless harmful and unhappy people who hurt others on a daily basis by comforting myself with the fact that I am a good person with emotional maturity but does that amount to anything? When I die, will the gods ask me for proof of my being or will they ask How I have been? My moods swing wildly about this pendulum.
On one hand, it's good that human life is so miniscule that it won't affect the universe because while Humanity is capable of great & beautiful things, we are still, mostly savage creatures who still have to rise above their primitive urges. And life will go on even after we've made ourselves extinct.
But on the other hand, if it really is so, then does it mean anything? Does anything we do matter? Why were we even born? Was it just a blip? Were we just a glitch in the matrix of life and evolution? Humanity's quest for meaning is never ending. Questions like these have the capacity to debilitate you if you spend too much time on them. They drag you down into this abyss of helplessness and fear.
I try to comfort myself with the knowledge that at the end of the day, even if our lives have no meaning, no true impact, we are all the Universe's children. And somewhere, maybe there is a witness to all of our lives- small or great.
What the hell why do I go into existential rants every time I write? Chill, Aithere.