There's an incident I feel really bad about till today. It's one of the time I regret and if I could go back in time I would change it immediately.
I was a kid and in that specific time frame, fidget spinners were all the rage.
Everyone had one and everyone had different colors materials but the REALLY cool kids had those like holographic metal ones.
I'd begged my parents for one but my dad had flat out refused deeming it to be frivolous and wasteful (middle-class family things).
But one day I came home from school and my mom surprised me with one.
I got really excited but when she handed me the spinner it was one of those really cheap, plastic ones made very obviously by an offbrand Chinese company.
So all that excitement crashed and in that disappointment, I was really rude to my mom. I remember saying something along the lines of "This isn't the right one, How could you not know, You should've asked me".
Which I know doesn't sound like a huge deal but trust me I was harsh and especially when you grow up in a strict Asian household like mine, disrespect is like the highest level of sin.
But my mom was silent, she took the criticism and just said "Oh I didn't know."
Later in the day, it bothered me. I shouldn't have been so rude to her. She'd went against my dad's rules and gotten me that fidget spinner out of love and I'd disregarded it like a spoiled brat. She'd done her best for me, for her child and it had been so easy for me to just push aside what she'd given to me.
I apologized that day to her. I couldn't live with myself if I hadn't.
She forgave me ofcourse. For her, it wasn't such a big deal although I'm sure it would've hurt.
She was just good at hiding it or desensitized because I'm sure as a parent, children hurt you in small ways often.
This stuck with me. It's such a vivid memory of guilt and regret.
I know I can be very cold and rude at times. But.
I want to learn to love. Freely, warmly. I never want to hurt the people I love or ignore their efforts and hardships.
I hope that I am not this person. I hope that I do not ever become that kind of person.